A holiday renewal

Note: This is a much older post...I'm not sure if I had put it on my blog or not.
 I should also note that I am blogging more regularly with my scholastics  brothers: http://www.iboetnonredibo.blogspot.com/
My contributions to that one will be bi-weekly..more than I can say for this current blog.
I'm sure this one will find it's renewal at some point!!



My semester ended a few weeks ago. It's been a good one, with it's own set of challenges.
In my own little way, I have grown in God's love deeply enough to understand that being loved
by God means being given the strength to renew ourselves, to strive even more towards that perfection that God invites us to. It's probably something none of us ever will achieve.However, the most important thing I learned a long time ago in my faith journey, is that I have to accept the invitation towards perfection, without ever expecting to reach it. The moment one thinks they have perfection, they fall into the trap of complacency. I'm not free of the poison of complacency myself, but my labors towards building the Kingdom of God on earth move me further and further away from this! This has been the most positive thing of my year...growing in confidence in my own little contribution in helping build God's kingdom on Earth.


    One of the more difficult aspects of my journey that is almost becoming a routine for me considering how often I come back to it, is one rather complex question: How do I live my own vocation as a Brother, 'seperately' from the vocation of my scolastic -future priests- brothers/house mates, yet still in complete communion with them? I knew my community of studies would be a difficult place to make some progress in finding an answer to that question, being surrounded by guys who just have a different way of proceeding, and different ambitions than I do. It does become hard for me to be in such a community and to not compare how they approach their work, and how I approach mine. Those who know me well will be groaning at this point and be saying " are you still comparing yourself to others? When will you let of that?"


   Honestly? Probalby never. I mean, put yourselves in my shoes: We haven't had a brother enter the Society of Jesus in almost 40 years, and the last one that considered entering would have done so with a carpentry background. So there are no more young brothers left, and most brothers in the Society are people that have specific manual skills. Other brothers have followed a similar path of studies in the past, but they're not really my peers, at least, not in age! So, here I am, trying to help formulate an identity for Brothers in the Society of Jesus of Canada in the 21st century, and being surrounded by priests, older brothers, and future priests. I've never been in such a unique position in my entire life. Fr. Doug in Wiky was the first to point to this challenge I had, when he told me that I had no role models in terms of Brothers in Canada. This makes the path even more challenging.



  However, from the moment I arrived in Toronto for studies, I realized how well surrounded, well supported I was. How many priests and how many of my peers have confirmed my vocation and its uniqueness by 'validating' the way I operate. Some would see the fact that I still need validation once in a while as a sign of weakness, but to me it's an expression of the human reality that none of us are as strong as we think on our own, and that our true source of power is that which we gather from our community.


   So we come back to this sense of communion. My experience of communion and love for God and others deepened these past months, not only within my community, but with the larger communion of Saints that is our Catholic Church. People like Theresa of Lisieux and Bernard Lonergan have been shaping my spiritual and intellectual growth in ways I'm still trying to process. To my surprise, my sense of growth has been accompanied with a deepening of my sense of love of self, and my confidence in the role I can play in the future within the Society of Jesus. The difficulty remains that I still don't know what that role is necessarily going to be, but as my wise parents once put it, since my Jesuit journey has begun, I have always struggled for a week or 2 with new environments, and have eventually, always found a way to find my niche, and even thrive there. This idea is one of my greatest sources of trust for the coming year. I know I'll still struggle some more this year, because it's the struggle that leads me to this path of holiness that I seek to live.

 Much more to tell...I'll probably make a seperate post about my holiday experience!!

The life of a Brother in Toronto

It's been a long time since I've written on this blog. My apologies for the delay! I guess, you can say I've been a little busy, but also, shockingly, I think I've lost a bit of my desire to write in the past little while. I don't quite understand where this is coming from other than the fact that I have a lot to do, but I can't forget that during my pilgrimage, I was given a bit of a revelation: There are many things I could end up doing as a Jesuit, but there's only one thing that Christ really seems to be calling me to do with all my heart, and that is writing. The reason for this is that there is still a dream that I cling to that I can impact the world, and help create social change as a Jesuit, and I don’t see myself achieving this in better ways than through my writing. It may be just a dream, but at the same time, I find myself in a position -even in here in Toronto- where people turn to me for help, where they depend on me, and are even helped by my actions. SO it's not a pipe dream, it's the reality of my vocation. I make myself available to people, which means that I can and do help more than I can ever immagine. Furthermore, I know that my writing has impacted people in the past emotionally, or otherwise. So why wouldn't I come back to it? No reason. I guess that's why I'm here this morning!!

It's now time for the Toronto Vs Montreal segment. Some dramatic pictures to illustrate this segment:

                                                                               T Dot

                                                                                 VS

                                                                                Mdot

Toronto is a lovely city, and even though I miss Montreal...actually, there’s no even thoughs here..I miss Montreal. Toronto is still and will always be a lovely and inviting city with lots of diversity and culture. That doesn't change the fact that Montreal just has more charism, more energy, more colour. I guess that's my own bias. This is why I put this survey on my Blog. I was talking to someone about Bagels recently, and it dawned on me that I had heard of a debate in Montreal as to which place had the best bagels, but could not remember the results of that debate, so I leave it up to the people to resolve this one!!

 But back to my Toronto Vs. Montreal  point, there’s no question that I miss lounging around on St Catherines on a Friday night, or that I’m annoyed I couldn’t be in town for the Arcade Fire concert, or that I long to be closer to my family, or even that there’s a part of me that has died when I left McGill Choral…I can’t deny any of that. However, Toronto is a city with great charm, and thanks to the Jesuits, to my Toronto family,  to the Newman center, to a little Movie called Scott Pilgrim vs the World, and to Ted’s perpetual flair for adventure, I have found my niche here as well: Like Montreal, Toronto is a great walking city; It tries to rival Montreal in terms of fine dining (Does very well in some departments, and not so much in others –that’s my way of saying that nothing can come close to rivalling Schartz, at least, not in Toronto!-);It has a great cultural scene ( The one thing Montreal does poorly in, Toronto is great at: Musicals!!!!) and does have interesting history. I mentioned a movie though…Scott Pilgrim was not only filmed in Toronto, it’s based in Toronto and largely filmed with Canadian actors with a large American contingency as well! It’s the first movie I saw at the house this year…I just stumbled upon it..I had no idea what it was going to be.  It turned out to be a lovely tribute to this city, a very funny movie, but also a very artistic approach to storytelling. If you’ve not seen it yet, and are looking for a cute story and a creative film, I highly recommend it.

 

  There are other things I really love about Tdot…the CN Tower that changes colours at night, the same passion for their hockey team that Montreal has for the Habs (doesn’t make me want to cheer for them, but I still respect the passion!! I was elated that the Flyers took them down a notch or two on Monday!!). But what’s helped me above everything to see the human face of this city, is my apostolate. It’s interesting: we all have very different apostolates. Adam and Santi work with the youth program of one parish, Ted works with immigrants, the other guys work with Catechism or RCIA or liturgy in various parishes around the city.  I was the only one given a genuine street ministry, and I’m quite honoured by that. I work at a soup kitchen every Monday. The place I work at is the Brothers of the Good shepherd. It’s a place started by a religious community, that still has a good presence of priests and brothers, although I think it’s mostly run by  non-religious these days. They get something like 1000 people every day. They are by far the best organized community soup kitchen I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen many in my life. They compost food and recycle things; they have 100s of volunteers every week; they also have apartments for guys trying to reinsert themselves in the world. It’s  a wonderful operation. Most importantly for me…it’s a connection I have to the real world. These are not men and women that spend their days talking about philosophy and theology (as the people in my environment do. It’s important to do this too, but it’s not the real world for me)…they’re trying to survive…they do their best. But what amazes me every week is that despite their hardship, they have more faith in God than most people I encounter. I’ve argued this in a previous blog (or maybe it was in a homily. I say homilies rather frequently here! ) but it blows my mind that while there are people out there, “occupying cities” around the world or sipping tea in a trendy place in town, who claim they could never believe in God in a world filled with injustice, the people who most beautifully believe in God in this world, are those who suffer injustices and marginalisation . So while young people reject God because of their strongly voiced objections vs the injustice and while they speak of the bleakness of the world 24/7, the people I meet at the center, who may not be sure from day to day where their food will come from, seem to have an insurmountable amount of hope. My theory as to why this occurs? The ones who complain about capitalism or the state of the world don’t have to depend on the kindness of strangers to survive every day. Or if they do, they’re not aware of it (that would not surprise me. Atheist are affected by God just as everyone else is...they just don’t know it!!) When one has to start depending more on others to survive, perhaps one develops a bit more a sense of gratitude for life, and one learns to see God in that hope, in that gratitude. That’s my Catholic/Jesuit interpretation of the situation.

 The impact this experience has had on me, is that, as I’ve said, it’s kept me grounded. It’s reminded me that, outside my little Catholic world, there is a whole society of people in pain, suffering, alone, yet still full of peace, hope and love for others. It also forces me to be more than just a student. My studies are important, I’m getting good grades and am learning a lot about my faith and the experience of religion and about being a Disciple of Jesus Christ, but it’s when I come to this place that I learn what true discipleship is. Giving my time to serve others, but also receiving from them all that they have to offer. It’s a humbling and beautiful experience.

 The final piece to my Toronto Jesuit experience lies at Newman Center. Originally, when my superior asked me what I wanted to do for Apostolate, I mentioned that I’d love to work at Newman. I have a feeling that my future vocation will be largely built around helping university students make sense of their faith in a complicated modern secular time. My principal desire is to guide them through their spiritual struggles, but also to give them a sense that there’s more to life than studies…. that a true Catholic faith should be expressed in Social Justice, not just going to Church every Sunday. Anyways, I digress. My superior told me that it may be a good idea to experience something

Different, so that’s how I ended up at Good Shepherd’s, and I’m glad I did. However, I didn’t let that prevent me from interacting with the Newman crowd. I’m just surprised how quickly it happened. I have one little lady to thank for that.

  Sonal is an MDiv student who has 3 classes with me. We get along very well and have gotten along since day 1, but it’s not in class that I met her, but at Newman. She’s one of the Campus ministers who also lives at the Newman center with all the other student campus ministers. Eventually, she began to invite me to lunch and supper and study sessions at Newman. I’ve gotten to know almost everyone there pretty well. There’s many opportunities for ministry, but I’m mostly there for friendship, and if ministry comes out of it, then, praise be to God. I’m mostly happy to have met such a good friend as Sonal so quickly. School has barely started and we were already talking like old friends!!

Anyways, that is my life in Toronto. Lots of good friends…a wonderful community at home, and a very inviting and friendly one at Newman as well.challenging work academically and apostolically… but a tremendous

Sense of joy and peace that accompanies the whole thing. I’m blessed really.

 I’m thinking really hard about all of you out there. God bless you all!

 

Facing the past, present and future!!

 It's been roughly a month since we came back from Denver, and I can honestly say it's been a heavy month, but deeply enjoyable at the same time: In one single month, I was inspired by some great Jesuits which gave me great hope for the future, gained a little more peace of mind (in the present) around the next phase of my life as a Jesuit, and had to let go of one more person in my life and deal with all the memories that I had of her in the past.

 I'll start with facing the past: My Nana, Lena Bourque Leckman passed away  on August 8th or 9th.So that makes it 3 major deaths in my family in the last 5 years. I learned about my grandmother's passing while I was at Anderson Lake with the Scholastics. I had been looking forward to our vacation time with the guys for a long time. So when my dad managed to get a hold of  me to tell me the news, I assumed I wouldn't make it to the funeral and would enjoy my vacation time. I was looking forward to going back to Wiky, perhaps seeing some of the kids,to watching many movies and hanving fun with the guys. Of course,part of my initial gut reaction/decision to stay at Villa and miss out on this funeral came from an assumption that I was making: I assumed that I was not too grieved by my nana's passing, since she had been sick for a while, and although she seemed to be improving and her death was rather sudden, we had all been prepared for this for quite some time. Furtheremore, I had not been that close to her in the last 5 years. Consequently I assumed I was fine about this.

Thankfully, in my Jesuit life, I am often pushed to challenge those gut reactions of mine.  I learned the news of her passing 5 minutes before we began a session of 'faith sharing' with the Scholastics. At first, during the sharing, I seemed at peace, but the closer it got for my time to share, the more I realized that my spirit was not at peace. So I asked to pass, in both rounds of sharing (most sharing in Jesuit communities have at least 2 rounds!!).I guess I realized that it was going to be hard for me to share about what's going on in our Jesuit province with the news of my nana's death still fresh on my mind. Finally, when the one coordinating our sharing asked me to share at the end of the 2nd round of sharing,  I explained that I wasn't much in the mood for this, because of this news I had received. Once I faced her passing more publicly, once I made it known to the group that my beloved grandmother was gone...that's when I realized I wasn't ok.

 I left the group, and went outside to pray for a good half hour or more. I let myself weep very openly for my Nana. I came to grip with the fact that, just because we had faced a lot of death as a family in recent years, this did not mean that we were able to deal with it better. All these memories of her flooded my mind and my soul, and the weeping got even more intense....as did the praying. That's when I realized, I would have to leave Anderson Lake to go attend this funeral. Of course, this was easier said than done. From Anderson Lake to Montreal was not going to be an easy skip and a hop. But there were possibilities. I spoke to people at the center, spoke to my family and to the novitiate, and a plan was formulated much more quickly than I could have anticipated. A beautiful Mass was said at Anderson Lake for her and my family, and a few hours later, the incomparable Ted Penton and Michael Knox drove me to the Bus Station in Sudbury  where I'd be on an overnight bus to Toronto (leaving at 1 am and arriving around 6 am), where I would meet up with my uncle and aunt who would be leaving that same day  for the funeral in Montreal.

 It all happened so fast that it all seems like a weird vague memory at this point, but what amazed me about the whole process was the clarity of the prayer: Yes, I didn't feel like travelling, like doing all the planning that the travelling would require, like being apart from my group of brothers  etc...but I needed to be in Montreal. I needed to be with my family. This is what my vocation is about: It's not about doing what I feel like, but it's about being present to others in their time of need. It's about discerning where God's love is calling me to be in life and to follow that path to the best of my limited ability. And in the end, my presence in Montreal was greatly appreciated by all..the greater good was served in a way (-;

 And it's not like I didn't get some energy from my days at Villa. Besides all the wonderful movie watching and  canoeing, good food and wonderful preprands (drinks and snacks that precede meals!), it was just nice to connect with the guys through great conversations. One such conversation was very instrumental in my need to find peace with my first studies. Because I am on the Brother's path, I've never been very comfortable with the idea of doing a lot of studies. If I start doing too many studies, it will be like I'm a wanna be Scholastic which we all know could not be further from the truth. During the past year, I have made my peace with the need for more studies, though I  also have been stressing out about registration. During Villa, I had a wonderful chat with someone who put me at ease on this question, and I think, after that conversation, the final barrier towards my first studies was overcome. I can now in all truth say that I am not only ready for this next phase of my life, but am completely at peace with it as well.

 In case you weren't following...grieving about my nana was me facing the past...making my peace with first studies was in part, dealing with the present, but also the future.

One final note that can be said about my last month and how it's impacted my vocation, was the visit of Father Adolfo Nicholas, the Father General of the Society of Jesus (also nicknamed the 'Black Pope' because he's always wearing black, and he's at the helm of this huge international community of men dedicated to Christ). He's someone we read, hear about all the time in Jesuit circles, but hardly ever get to see. Well...to celebrate the 400th anniversary of the Jesuits in Canada, he came to Quebec and Ontario to visit all the Jesuit communities there and talk with as many people as he could. During this 10 day period ,this man went from Montreal, to Quebec City, Toronto To Guelph, and Pickering to Midland. He was a travelling machine. What touched, amazed and inspired me the most about this man was his desire to be so present with us. He met with EVERYBODY. The novices, the old priests in the infirmary, the Scholastics, the Lay collaborators of the Jesuits, the Brothers etc...I got to sit next to him and talk with him more than once...he is an inspiring figure, but so incredibly humble at the same time. When I look at men like him, I know I've made the right decision in chosing the Jesuits as a community. I could never be exactly as he is, but there is already so much of his wisdom that I have experienced in my own journey...so rather than putting him on a pedestal, I see in him the possibility of a future me. I see in him, the Zenith of all things that make a good Jesuit, a great human being!

 He was in many ways, my hope for the future.And so we've come full circle. I wrote the following line last week..but I kinda like it..so I include it in this blog:

Tomorrow  (August 20th)I take vows as a Jesuit Brother. My bags are not all packed yet...but almost. The leaf is being turned, and my heart is ready.
Show me the way Lord, and I will walk that path with every ounce of courage that I can muster!

Final reflections on Denver

 Denver has come and gone.I'm wasn't too sad about it ending because it was never really 'home' for me, but at the same time, I will miss the gorgeous views of mountains,breath taking storms, stimulating conversations, and the spiritual inspiration I have received from many here (from both presenters/teachers as well as novices). It sometimes feel like all we ever did here was go to class, play sports -for those who were inclined towards that, which I hardly ever was!!- and write papers...but in the end, I feel that our days were pretty full. Prayers, readings, meetings and extra curricular projects -preparing for vows, hostice (read: hosting parties with food and drinks. I made my famous cookies stuffed with cookies witch vanished in a flash. There were legends told of those cookies by those who had tried them!! Ok, I'm done patting myself on the back now!! My fellow novice, Adam Lalonde, also had his own culinary triumph that night as well!!),faith sharing, getting organized for our contribution to the talent show, and practicing our sketch for said talent show (which we performed a few nights before we left Denver. Our act was one of the only ones that got a standing ovation that night!It was pretty good, hopefully I'll be able to post a video of it at some point) among and other stuff I'm sure I'm leaving out- meant that our days went by pretty quickly..and there was rarely ever a dull moment. Of course, my 'claim to fame'... I got to climb one 14er (14000 foot mountain) and made it close to the top of another. I considered attempting my luck with a 3rd one this past weekend, but opted to stay on campus and focus on vow cards, post cards and all kinds of other little errands that awaited me instead. It felt good to be productive again!!
   Denver has also been a good learning experience. I've grown into my role of 'beadle' (essentially: the Beadle of the community is the middle man between the Novices, and the outside world, but also the Novices and the Novice master. It's actually not that difficult, but not without challenges either!) but I've also grown in my spirituality and my intimacy with God. Most importantly, through 4 papers that I've written and many reflections that I've had here, I've grown in my understanding of  my Jesuit vocation. Not so much, what will it entail, or what do I want to do (I kinda leave all questions about the future in God's hands!!), but more, how will I approach life's challenges? How will I respond to obstacles? How will I receive new opportunities and possibilities? It sounds strange that I would face all this simply by being here in Denver, but in a way, this is Our Way of proceeding -note: Whenever I use Our, I mean the Jesuit- . Jesuits don't spend a month with other Jesuits without growth or change. They ask questions, they actively seek answers, and they get closer to God in the process. Whether through a better understanding of Our History, or through my interactions with others, my heart and mind were opened up a little more day by day. I guess..that's the best way I can describe this growth.

 One of the most moving experiences was during the classes. There were many exciting topics and deep conversations, but one presenter in particular had a message that was unsettling for many of us. He was talking about Our presence online..what's good about it..what's not so good..what needs to change, what has improved since the beginning of the millennium etc...but what was unsettling for all of us I think, is all the anti Jesuit stuff that already exists online. In fact,  it is probably easier for one to go on Youtube videos made by angry people  that live in their parent's basement ranting incoherently and hatefully about the Jesuits than it is to find an actual video that informs one about who the Jesuits really are. Most unsettling of all for us was a picture that the instructor showed us that he had seen on a blog, that basically linked the Jesuits to the Nazis.
That image kind of really stunned me, but not because it's the first time I've been exposed to this kind of hatred. I had done my share of research online about the Jesuits before entering. Furthermore, this whole culture of hate that Jesuits have to face is nothing new to us as a Society.

   Like a good Jesuit novice, I am beginning to understand that many people (even other Catholics) are threatened by, and even hate the Jesuits because of  the successes (both historical and contemporary) of the Society of Jesus. We've faced that kind of 'hatred' ever since the Society was formed in the 16th century. Back then, it came from other Catholics who weren't ready for the reforms Ignatius was proposing, and paranoid Inquisition people looking for an excuse to condemn any heretics, or anyone who practiced the faith differently. In the 17th and 18th century, it was the Jansenists (Pseudo Protestant, Catholic community that were more probably more Lutheran than they were Catholic)and the Enlightenment folks who were convinced that The jesuits were the source of all evil etc..it seems that every generation has produced 'enemies' for the Jesuits, and the modern era is no different.

  So why did this picture we saw in class trouble me so much? Well, maybe it didn't. There is no question that the picture in question (A Crucifix on top of a Swastika) is shocking at first sight, but in the end, the only things it conveys is the author's deep seated hatred of us, but also,  his incredible ignorance of what we really stand for. I guess it's not really that different than the people calling Obama 'Stalin', or drawing a  Hitler mustache on his face. I feel that the lessons here is that, the moment I commit mysef to the Radical Christ and to the building of God's Kingdom by serving others, the moment I embrace  Social Justice and work at bringing spirituality into the lives of others...I'm  bound to anger some people along the way. This is just something I'll have to learn to live with.
   
    In the end, it matters little what the angry people of the world (whether they be Christian Fundamentalists, or  Atheistic agnostic  feminists, Raging liberals or Staunch conservatives etc..) think about the Jesuits or even the Catholic Church. I am called to believe that we walk closely with Christ, and I am called to continue that walk no matter what the cost... even if that cost is that I'll have to tolerate people's hatred and insults ( "blessed are you when they insult you because of me!"). Most importantly, I am called to be patient with those who are angry, and to hope that through me, God can bring a little bit of peace in their lives. Sounds like a lot of work..but I can't back down at this point. I believe too much in the beauty of the Kingdom of God that we are all called to help build here on earth.

Novice Road Trip!!

There was definitely a need for discernment with this blog: I could continue writing it, because I enjoy doing so, and it connects me to many people that I love...but the tone in it is about to change dramatically. This is no longer about Wiki and the drama and joys that this communitiny brings/brought me ( until recently, I was still deeply affected by, and had regular dreams about this little town. It's quieter now, for better or worse, though the most recent one had me finding two sisters dead after they had taken a suicide pack...rather disturbing). But the key thing is that my Jesuit journey continues, with or without Wiki. Personally, I'd rather be there, but in the end, I go where I'm needed..I go where I'm missioned.

 And it seems that  where I'll be m missioned to in the Fall, is Regis College in Toronto for studies. I'm still a little fuzzy about what I'll be studying in great detail. I'd like to be able to study some English lit and writing courses, but the focus will of course be on Theology (with a bit of philosophy on the side). You may be able to discern from the tone of this blog that I'm not deeply excited about going back to studies. I dunno..I guess I kind of am. I think indifference better describes how I'm feeling about this.  I know I need to better understand my faith and the wonderful ideas that shape it before I go out and try to teach it again, and I look forward to deepening my understanding of this wonderful faith of ours even more in Toronto. Yes, I'd rather be out there in the world, bringing God's love to people with my own loving presence to them, but I think that living presence needs to be a bit more deeply rooted in intellectual stuff than it currently is. 

 In the meantime, a whole summer of activities has been upon us at the novitiate community. Right now, we're in the Denver phase of our journey. 5 of us plus our Socius drove down to Denver from Montreal. We saw a lot of America the Beautiful, but with very few stops. Kuddos to our 4 drivers for being such machines!! We made it to Indiana by the end of the first day, and we decided to stop by Michael Jackson's house in Gary. Some of the guys were a little nervous about going to this ghost town where we'd probably be the only white folks around...but in the end, not only was the house amazing to see, but some of the people who lived there came down to chat with us, and were super friendly. There's apparently a Jesuit community in Gary, but we didn't know about it, so we spent the night at a hotel.
  The next day of driving too us all the way to Nebraska, more specifically, Omaha,where we stayed at the Campus of Creighton University.I liked Omaha. Unlike Denver where we currently are...there's nice beautiful clouds once in a while! Dazzling lightning across the Nebraska sky...very nice. The downtown is very quiet..but it's quaint. And we went to watch some ceremonies for the World series of College baseball which were starting the following day at a big new stadium. Lots of people, gorgeous event...it was nice to share this moment with the local people. And there was something kinda spiritual about the whole thing that I still can't describe. Maybe I felt like we were getting a glimpse of local life and culture, that we were connecting with these beautiful people, if only for one brief moment. dunno...but I enjoyed it and would love to return there for a visit later on in my Jesuit career!!

 The next and last day, we drove from Nebraska to Colorado (which may get it's name from the Spanish for Red Colour, which is what many settlers would have seen in arriving here, with all the Red stones). With us, about 55 other novices form across the US. It's been a daunting task to remember all their names, and I assure you that I still don't. We've had some nice dialog with many of them, but of course the focus of our presence here is the History course...actually, I wonder about that. The Jesuit history course is an important reason for our presence, but I also feel that I've share many special moments with these guys that have in some ways strenghened my vocation, my connection to the Society. So I wonder sometime if the course really is my main priority here..if creating a communion with these other men may not be an even bigger priority!!
  Finally, I can proudly say that I have climbed the Rockies!! Unfortunately, as I gloat about having climbed the rockies,I need to be honest and say that I didn't quite get to the top. We did an expedition on Saturday -waking up at 5:30 am to get to our starting point at a reasonable hour-. There were about 16 of us -including Erik and Marc from Montreal, the two only priests/formators on the hike-  that were going to try to climb a 14000 feet peek. Well..I made it to about 13000 feet. I could see the peak, and have lovely pictures of it and of the whole mountain range, but my body was telling me loud and clear that I was out of juice for this (and to get to the peak, I would have had to deal with a very long climb that was exhausting the heck out of me already!). So one of my novice brothers and I quit near the end, and headed back down. There was one more American novice who couldn't make it to the top...everyone else did, some paying a rather steep price for it with major migraines and sickness waiting for them on the way down and even after the hike. I really am looking forward to putting up some of my pics from the mountains...they look a little like the ones I took in Vancouver the summer before I entered, except, this time, I actually got there on my own, without some kind of transportation as I did in Vancouver (Whistler).
  I believe that's all I got for now. I will confess that I've lost some of my passion for writing these days..could be because I'm so focused on the work that lies ahead. I'll try to reconnect with that in the days ahead!! I owe it to myself, and to those who do enjoy these!!

Roamin Catholic

Deep breaths...
My friends, this is by far the most ACTIVE Summer I've had probably in my life. I got back from Wiki...what...2 weeks ago? Well, since then, I've been to Toronto for Ordinations, to St Sauveur for an 8 day retreat, and tomorrow I am leaving for Denver Colorado for an 30 day class...after which I'll be in Midland for the Jesuit Congress. Then I'm back in the Manitoulin Area for a 6 day Villa days with my fellow Jesuits scholastic -I'm not going to be a Scholastic in the Society of Jesus as I plan to become a Brother this August, but the other scholastics are my brothers, my peers and my friends!!-. Anyways, we don't stop for breath much this summer it seems...which is both good and bad. It's good because I get to see lots of pretty parts of our continent and to meet the American Novices in Denver as we plunge into Jesuit History!! Not so fun that there's not more stability in my summer...I miss my students, my best friend (Claire!! Love you!!) and my family very much and would love to spend more time emailing or calling them. We have a lot of big changes ahead of us in the Fall, and it would have been nice to take in the beauty of Montreal a little before leaving it.
 Surprisingly, I'm not feeling the pain of leaving this beautiful city, nor the sadness of not being close to my kids in Wiki. I'm feeling at peace. We just came back from an 8 day retreat that really centered me on the importance of Jesus as a friend that I needed to get to know better..and not only did I walk with him, but I allowed him to walk with me in a way that was very touching. He's got a lot to teach us I guess!!
 I hope to be able to write more of these blogs this summer!!

Cheers

Final weeks and days: reflecting on Wiki

Although I am now back in Montreal, the memory of Wiki still remains quite strongly with me. Especially in my dream life. Not only do my kids feature in many of my dreams, but I'm also getting less pleasant dreams that involves the suicide of teenagers that keep me up at night sometimes. Perhaps this is an expression of the grip that Wiki will always have on me. Even if there are people who suffer more on this big planet than the people in Wiki, there are few places that I feel more called to live than in Wiki these days!! But now, I have to go back and continue the story that I left off with from the previous blog:
Going back to the depression I felt after the Services on First Communion Sunday...it's funny how my stay here both started and ended with this feeling of depression. They were very two very different levels of it of course.
The one I felt after a few days here was quite powerful, and borderline frightening:One morning in particular was especially frightful... I woke up in the morning, and was unable to get out of bed.There was this rather loud voice in my head proclaiming how I was being useless here and was wasting my time not just in Wiki, but in religious life in general. I mean, obviously, much of that had to do with the fact that I was 'settling in', not working on any projects, but also being overwhelmed of having to walk in the shoes/shadows of other great novices before me (more on that later)
It was through prayer, and a lot of it too, that I would get over this phase, and with time, would learn to be confident, and comfortable of the things I could contribute here in Wiki on my own term, without feeling pressured to imitate  what any of the other guys had done when they were here. That would take a while, but it was one of the most liberating feelings in the world once it did come!!
  But the depression I felt on 1st Communion Sunday was a different kind. Not as aggressive maybe. It was almost like quiet sadness over the fact that I would be leaving soon....as I had mentioned, there was also this feeling of being excluded from the other celebrations of the day, but that was not a big deal in retrospect and I already explained why in the previous blog, though for a few days, I just assumed I was sad at being excluded yet again here in Wiki.
   After a day of binging with movies and junk food -which I did during the rest of  that Sunday- I slowly emerged with a different perspective on the issue: I wasn't depressed for any other reason that I felt that I was leaving these kids behind. When I tried to express this to the community at our meeting on Monday, I wept pretty intensely for the first time since I had been in Wiki. The one thing that sticks out for me in Wiki is that these kids aren't all well surrounded by loving families, and for some of them, I feel like I  was the closest thing they had to someone who cared about them with all his heart (I'm sure that isn't totally true..but it's what it felt like, and  at the same time, with all the broken families here, I wouldn't be surprised if the lack of a warm loving environment is one of the things that leads some of these kids on such a bad path after a while).
 I guess, you may say this is me having a Messiah complex...wanting to save these kids from their hardships. But as one wise man reminded me, that's not my vocation as a Jesuit. I'm called to love unconditionally, but not to be attached, because one never knows where the spirit will lead me. Well, that's going to be hard for me. I get attached easily, especially to kids. that's what I keep telling people about my experience: If I had gotten attached to the kids, but had not felt that the attachment was mutual, then I would have moved on somehow. but everywhere I went, if some of the kids saw me, they'd wave frantically or call after me. One even gasped with excitement  when she bumped into me at the market one day! I guess it's safe to say that all this attention got to my head..completely. Maybe that's part of the danger with this vocation to Wiki I feel I have. I like it here because I feel more loved than say...at the novitiate, or any other Jesuit community for that matter.

   Despite this, I can't forget one basic thing that draws me back to Wiki: No one  (no Jesuit) wants to be sent here (with a few exceptions!) and rightfully so. This is a difficult environment. Lonely, isolated and at times, very cold -both in terms of weather, and in terms of the reception we get from the community- . For we Jesuits who are trained to live in community and to dedicate ourselves for the well being of all who are in it,this kind of life is almost contrary to our vocation that is focused on helping all souls, and serving a large number of people. .But our vocation also has another aspect: We basically go where no one else will. Historically, this has  been true with Jesuits going to many far off places to spread the love of God. And it was true in Manitoulin as well...the first men sent here were indeed sacrificing their lives for the well being of this small community. I personally feel that it would not be much of a sacrifice. I'd be far from my friends and family, true, but I would be with others that I love as much as my friends and family back home. Others who perhaps need to be reminded what it's like to be loved unconditionally.
  I was reminded of this on one of my last days in Wiki. Not long after Kristen Jackson committed suicide, another woman, Julie Trudeau also ended her life. She was a bit older (25), but her death was no less tragic. those of you who have been reading this blog will remember that I spoke of a Jordan trudeau who had been murdered while in prison, leaving his wife and 2 kids behind. Julia was his wife. Those kids were now without mother or father. And yet, as sad as all this was, what grieved me was this little boy that I met during the wake. Everyone I spoke to -kids and adults- told me he was like a little devil child that would probably end up in prison some day (how one can say that about an 8 year old in grade 2 is beyond me). And I could see he was a feisty one..but somehow, I also inspired some gentleness in him. He (along with two other girls) joined me for evening mass and was so well behaved. Later that evening, during the wake, I saw him walking around and looking sad...I was in the Church during the wake, and I beckoned him to come sit with me. He came, cuddled against me, and started sharing that he was sad because the other -bigger- kids were always picking on him. At that moment, this boy was not a trouble maker or a future criminal for me..he was a little boy with a lot of pain around growing up. He was a little boy that needed some attention and love. there seems to be a lot of kids like that in Wiki.
 
  Maybe that is why I was so quick to point out to our provincial that even though not many Jesuits want to be sent here, I felt that this was about to change, both with me, and with others. We understand the need here...and it's not a need that is greater than starving children in Africa or homeless ones in Haiti...but it's our country's need rather than some other one. I don't feel at all called to doing missionary work abroad when there is so much work
to be done in our own country..but I guess, as usual, it's hard for me to pronounce myself confidently on the matter. Things could change.
However, if things do change, I do hope that I remember that little boy in Wiki who touched me so much; That I remember the members of the community - even if they were few in numbers- who welcomed me as if I were a son (one of the DOS said she saw me as a son on my last day in Wiki, and I pretty much lost it!!) and who have so much to teach me.  That I lovingly remember all these kids that I was so dedicated to during these 4 months, and that I would love to see grow old. I'm not allowed to limit my vocation to just one place, and I will not do so. However, nor can I allow myself to forget that place, and whatever the Good Lord has in store for me in the future, I hope I will always have time for this community and all it has to offer!

 God bless Wiki